Naming the Next Wonder Drug

My husband and I frequently laugh about the names of prescription drugs we see ads for on television. Names like "Abilify" or "Boniva" or "Advair."

I picture a conference room full of over-confident, adrenaline-pumped young ad execs throwing darts adorned with parts of nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs to see which ones strike the bullseye. Or maybe they randomly draw letters out of someone's shoe until someone can make a word out of them. Or perhaps they just get really drunk, and then try to speak about the medication's properties and have one sober person write down all the slurred words.

But seriously, I'm sure there's a science to it - so to speak.

Why don't I have that job?

I could do it. Really.

In fact, I've already developed sophisticated names for drugs that I'm sure will one day be on the market:

Nopia - instantly potty trains your kids

Zombiza - transforms active, noisy children into quiet television watchers

Noitol - automatically provides correct and impressive answers the thousands of questions your kids, husband and colleagues ask each day

Pasdua - eliminates the pain and stigma of library fines

Pheedol - cooks dinner for everyone

Flaccinex - gets rid of that sagging skin below your jawline as you age

Noresta - a sleep aid, especially for "the weary"

And, my favorite:

Damitol - locks you in the bathroom with a tub of bubbles and a bottle of bubbly while the rest of the world fends for itself

Are you paying attention, high-priced ad execs? Anyone want to fly me up to New York for a well-paid brainstorming session?

- Betsey